EXPENDABLES 3
BASIC PLOT
Barney (Sly) and his team come up against Conrad Stonebanks (Gibson) who is determined to destroy the expendables.
CAST
Stallone as Barney Ross
Statham as Christmas
Arnie as Trench
FACT
This is director Patrick Hughes first ever actual paid job as director. Im hoping its his last.
THOUGHTS AN BEST BITS
The action sequence at the end of the movie. Its a bit sporadic but still a lot of fun. And just about any scene with Banderas.
Horrific and fun all in one movie. Its starts very much the same as the last movie same tone and style but once Snipes gets on screen he basically plays Snipes and hes kinda bugging in some ways. Then we get a fast pace continuation to the main event with the team going after Stonebanks. Now this is were it gets a bit crazy and starts to fall off some of them get hurt and when i say some of them i mean just one ? so Barney decides to ditch them all to save them ? and well yada yada yada the movie marches on pretty much like you see in the trailer to some extent.
So lets break this down and kick off with the directing. Well its a fucking disaster a first time director other than some shit low budget movie he ma himself when he took out a mortgage and when i say that i picture that scene from GHOSTBUSTERS(1984) but thats it who the fuck thought yeh lets hand over the franchise to some unknown ? a guy whos never done a fucking action scene in his life. And some of the scenes he does are fucking awful i mean so bad im sure i vomited in my neck like a cat having a fucking furball. This was a disaster.
Mild Spoilers
Then the plot and story of the movie yes yes i know the movies not gonna win an oscar but still even a simple film like COMMANDO(1985) had an easy to follow simple plot with very little holes in.. bad guys kill good guys bad guys take his daughter he finds out where bad guys are hiding goes and gets some guns flies to them island and then kills them all. Simple and easy to follow and probably wrote down on the back of a napkin BUT its easy and well flawless... yes its got movie exaggerations like none of the bag guys can fire a gun straight and hit the hero of course this is the hollywood edge but here you have shit like Sly ditching the crew he knows and trusts for younger untested newbs lol. And whats worse they aint even a group or crew the first time they meet is in the scene at the hanger and then they act like somehow they know each other ? what the fuck sly ?. Then after a slow down go gather the new crew scenes that are fucking horrendous he gathers together a new crew ditches the old ones that we paid to come see ? and then sets of to grab Gibson. Who i will add looked to be ready to go full bad ass screaming down the phone youtube style in the trailers but instead is more im here for 5days and an easy 2million token bad guy. And dont get me started on the Antonio Banderas intro. What the fuck was going through Slys head when writing this shit out yeh hes some crazy work on a building site guy thats been bugging Frasier to get a job for some time now ? really you couldnt have just had him with Snipes in the train ? wouldnt that be easy and better to explain that hes mental. As for the intro of the newbs well its fucking just as bad they have Twilight kid in some fight club barn fight making cash kinda thought it was hitting on a RAMBO III(1989) vibe for a second but then they lost it. We have the smart kid whos tech savy climbing a mountain ? maybe just an in joke about Sly doing this a while back you remember that movie he did Coat Hanger or sumin but you never have him introduced just some stupid scene on a mountain. Then we have the tiny little guy and i think hes a boxer and hope he fucks off back to what ever he does pronto as he sucked ass.... sure the scenes he had were stereo typical give him the intro of him talking about some cool guy "make him look the part" then never see that gun again or use him much. And i save the worst for last Luna aka Ronda Rousey and she gets the worst intro ever shes a bouncer ok i buy it shes the tough chick i get it shes as good as the guys but the slow motion shit of her walking into a bar fight was fucking horrific i mean the close ups are just making me physically sick to watch. As for old Arnie another pointless cameo throughout the movie followed by a horrific use of him in some chopper scene and poor old Jet Li i love this little guy and hes only around for seconds and a total waste of his time and ours it really was a poor waste of actors. And lets not forget old Hans Solo hes taking over for David Addison and he gets a sly wink wink joke about how hes not around no more hahaa coughs splutters dies. Awful story and plot throughout. WOW nearly forgot old Mel i hate jews Gibson. God what a fucking waste. Riggs vs Rambo both vietnam vets both from the 80s and both chuck about 4 punches then fights over FUCKING WASTE OF TIME why get him to be the bad guy then get him to bulk up only to have a short terrible fight scene. Waste of time.
Actor wise well they are pretty good no ones bad as such with the exception of Ronda and i feel bad cause i like her but damn this girl fucking sucked hairy ass. I mean if you said hey Ronda give me your best human impression im sure i could find a wet towel on the floor with a skid mark on it that could out act her im talking so bad it really did hurt me to watch her "act" i was fucking puking in my mouth like a cat coughing up a furball her speed for beating people in the cage is the same speed she uses here to bomb the film dont get me wrong Ronda owns the action scenes and has some good stuff to do in them. And old Randy baws Couture might as well have been dead same with Dolph and even Statham was missing from 80% of this movie yes i get it they have other things to do but not for a second do i believe they are so busy as not to be able to make a movie like this every two years. It was a total misuse of actors and actors time. And what the fuck happened to Carpenter ? i mean shes hot as fuck and was great in the first movie were did she go ?. But for me Banderas steals the show hands down.
All in pretty damn poor the only thing its got going for it is the end fight sequence at some huge building and some of the jokes sure some are lame but still funny yet its got a really fun vibe to it you cant put your finger on that makes it watchable. Better than 1 or 2 not fucking likely its probably on par with 2 in some ways and better in others so it maybe levels with it but a lack of Statham not killing of any one AGAIN no Jet Li misuse of Arnie and the cast of horrible young non actors makes this painful to watch in parts. But when the action kicks off at the ends its great fun its like being a kid again if only for a few seconds.
What would i have done to make it better ???. Easy kill off pointless non actor Randy in the first movie. Kill off black baws Crews in the second flick. Id have made the younger crew a team already none of this pointless recruit them shit Sly put in thinking like its still the 80s. Id have fired Ronda and the little punta boxer and had an epic 3 way battle fight at the end between some girl... in place of Ronda and Statham and Sly fighting Gibson and 2 big guys so it was a full 6 people fighting on screen at the same time criss crossing over each other. While i would have had Arnie bring in his team to help out at the end and gave us some new faces like the Rock and even Hugh Jackman and maybe Michael Biehn. And i would have had Snipes and Banderas in the same train as part of the original expendable crew and they would have still been in the movie and i would have killed of maybe Dolph having him save Ying Yangs life and kill one of the kids off. I mean whats the point of expendables if they never fucking die. My point is i could have made this 10 times better in one day if i had the script to look at and trash.
But it is fun and if your a total Brian your probably gonna think this is the shit and go nuts for it "so good like explosions and booms" lol but even though a bash it its got a massive rewatchability about it. I have now watched it more times than i gave it marks out of 10 but its still not any better just its just fun action near the end and the scenes with Rousey are still painful to watch.
Best quote: "Stop mumbling".
127 mins long. cert 12. 2014
This gets 5 out of 10 on my finger scale.
