300 RISE OF AN EMPIRE
BASIC PLOT
Greek General Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton) leads the charge against invading Persian forces led by Artemisia. The general of Xerxes army.
CAST
Sullivan Stapleton as Themistocles
Eva Green as Artemisia
Lena Headey as Queen Gorgo
David Wenham as Dilios
FACT
The director has expressed that this film leaves the door open for a third part... lets just hope he has a stroke before then.
THOUGHTS AND BEST BITS
The fucking credits and im not joking.
Shite. Ok keep up with me on this one 300(2006) has old Gerry Butler as the King and he takes his men to the hot gates and fights and hold off Xerxes army... now this movie is set just before that takes places literally weeks before hand.
So we start with whats his face Sullivan as General Thermistocles a general trying to convince all the greek nations that they must unite and stand behind him to take on Xerxes when that fails he then sets of to Sparta to speak with king Leonidas and try get him to help out but guess what he gets met by Queen Gorgo instead (nout to do with the fact Butlers not in the fucking movie i guess lol) now she basically tells us old king no show is meeting with the oracles SMASHHHH (just thought id put that in there lol loved that line) so Thermistocles fucks off lol. He then takes his men and ships and i might add his men aint Spartans and they are not soldiers they are shity farmers that still seem to be able to fight alot like the Spartans did but they have blue capes on so we know they aint lol. Now they then hold of the ships sent in by dolly whats her face Artemisia she then gets pissed of comes in smashes him to fuck then pies off. Of course General Testicles or what ever hes called survives the wreckage of the ships and washes up on shore. Now then lurch shows up you remember the hunchback guy who gave up the Spartans well hes back.. sorta cause he looks like hes had work done maybe some botox an some liposuction cause he looks fuck all like how he did last time i seen him maybe the suit was to heavy or some shit but its a piss poor version of him and he is sent by Xerxes to give by back the sword of King Leonidas to General Moustache. So the General takes the sword back to Queen Gorgo. And this is clearly the same time and day he met her before but just swap her fucking outfit time. He begs give me your army she says bog off then he leaves again. General Morters then falls back to his ships and makes a last stand with his men and some tiny bay area......
Now i should stop here and point out this is about 70 minutes of film so far. But i have to warn you the first 40mins of the movie are all catch up shit. Its all flashbacks. It starts with we must unite greece bit by General Mustafar during that time we have Queen Gorgo doing voice over telling the story of how 10 years ago Xerxes dad came over to fight greece but General thermometer had stopped him and killed him and then we have constant flashback mode for the next 40minutes of the film its constant flashbacks explaining shit. Showing us how Xerxes becomes a god king and how General Artemisia became a general. Shit you dont fucking are about or need to know at all. So its flashback after flashback then we find out the last fight is now set at the same time as the 300 are fighting at the hot gates. So its a... prequelinbetweensequel ?
...... Now back to the bay area.... We have the men all gather together and General Artemisia shows up with hundreds of ships and boxes them all in and starts to skull fuck them to death and then right as your arse is getting sore and the credits are about to roll up Queen Gorgo and the Spartans show up the end thank fuck.
Story wise "this piece of shit kicked me in the ribs when i was down" its total tripe it really is no one gives a fuck about some other greek army in blue capes we wanted to see Spartans in red kicking ass and handing people a fucking beating. the flashbacks are not needed not a single fucking one of them the show and explain nothing at all. Xerxes becomes a god king... and so fucking what i already new he was and cutting back to show me did fuck all but bore me and ironically what they do show you doesnt explain shit haha. And the lets explain who the general girl is I DONT FUCKING CARE shes the badguy. Can you imagine how boring DIE HARD(1988) would be if we had 45 minutes of explaining why Hans Gruber is a terrorist and such a money grabbing douche lol. and the cameos fuck me not even needed at all the story could have easily be set after the first film and not 10 years before weeks before during and after its a total cluster fuck of a storyline.
And its a poor show from who ever directed it... in fact im gonna look him up right fucking now just wait there. Ok so its some old fat dude from Jerusalem whos never directed a fucking thing and worked as a producer one single film 6 years ago ? who the fuck did he blow to get the job. Can you picture the men in suits sitting at a desk going hmmm who to get to make our movie lets get someone we dont know and has never even made a fucking movie and give him 100 million to to make our sequel. Yes thats 100.000.000.00 and not fucking monopoly money either. Waw i hope someone got shot then fired then set on fire for this shit.
Now acting wise i donno who the fuck Sullivan is i thought for a minute it was Simon Pegg with a beard pumped up on steroids lol. Now yeh his character sucks and i couldnt care less about him but he still kinda blows a bit. Now cameo wise this film had ever fucking one i mean it had Lena Headey David Wenham... thats the guy with one eye at the end of 300(2006). It got the same guy to play Xerxes hell even Daxos from the first film is back. Do you remember the bald greek guy who shows up on the hill and says to Leonidas is this all the men you have and Leonidas says "spartans what is your profession" ahho ahhooo haha love that bit in your face blady. Yeh hes back and every fucking one of them looked great the guys had clearly worked out again and looked the same as they did then. So when i seen David Wenham back in shape playing the part i was thinking yeh hes gonna be in on some of the action at some point but nope not a fucking one of them gets used lol like wtf people wtf. And they even had the messenger from the original back here to you remember the guy "this is madness" then he gets booted into a well lol hes back. As for the rest of the cast forgettable and laughable and cheap carbon copies of who was in the last movie.
All in its a shit burger with extra hemorrhoids on the side. They try to copy the same format as before with the same amount of fights and style even though the men are not trained soldiers or Spartans and with half the movie in flashback mode telling us about the badguys we have no time to watch out heroes or get to know them its just poor poor story telling. Its just awful avoid it at all costs people.
Best quote: "you came along way to stroke your cock".
102 mins long. cert 18. 2014
This gets 2 out of 10 on my finger scale.
